Zombies...

Recently, I may or may not have been asked if I have interest in pursuing a project about writing project zombies. Now, I believe my bread and butter writing begins and ends with realism—Cole is nothing but realistic, so much so that any time someone has read the script or seen the movie (did I mention that Cole is now a real movie?) they ask if it is autobiographical. Northbridge, my second script, is also a gritty realist piece, but given the circumstances of perhaps or perhaps not been asked to participate in a zombie project, I have been contemplating a couple of thoughts about the undead and given my current sleepless state, I figured I better get them down in writing.

So here we go:

Common Misconceptions about Zombies

1. They are unpatriotic
2. They do not dream
3. They are not concerned about personal hygiene
4. They do not appreciate the “finer things”
5. They do not fall in love

True Facts about Zombies

1. Zombies do not generally enjoy dessert after meals, but they do tip well if they have received adequate service.
   
2. Do not attempt to double cross a zombie—they will eat you.
   
3. They have pets, and, contrary to popular belief, a zombie will not eat his or her pet.
   
4. Zombies stay away from spas and bathhouses—they tend to fall apart when given a vigorous massage or spend too much time in a sauna.
   
5. Homosexual zombies are just like other zombies, except that they are homosexual. Contrary to popular belief, homosexual zombies do not spend their time in bathhouses—this would be suicide.

Favorite Words/Phrases in the Zombie Community

1. “How ya goin?” (brought into Zombie culture from the WAUU [West Aussie Undead United] rugby squad.)
   
2. “Errrrr…” (an oldie but a goodie)
   
3. “Catching a nook on the flipside,” (underdog hipster slang that means less than it says, unlikely to have much staying power.)
   
4. “Brains!!!” (social equivalent to “Nice shoes, wanna screw?”)
   
5. “Hella Cool.” (Sometimes timeless slang can translate to all cultures.)

Don't forget to come to Seattle Cold Readers tomorrow night!