10 Worst Netflix Movies

As I finish writing about the end of the world (and hope that none of my movies will ever end up on a list like this) here is the follow up to my last post: the 10 worst movies I watched from Netflix this year. My criteria for this list was that 1. I had to have expectations for the movie (so Transformers and Good Luck Chuck are disqualified) and 2. this had to be my first viewing of the film.

On the titles, I have linked to their Netflix page, and have also updated my 10 best list likewise here.

10. First Snow

Guy Pearce knows he's going to die when it snows. Sounds cool, right? A movie with an incredible preview that never lived up to its potential.

9. Gia

This is the movie that made Angelina’s career, so I was interested in seeing her before the time she became the arch-nemesis of every woman in America. And you know what? I discovered that ‘90’s AIDS movies are awfully dated. Watch Philadelphia again and you’ll understand what I mean.

8. Body of Lies

Um, so Russell Crowe + Leonardo Dicaprio = awesomeness… right? Um… nuh-uh. How could this movie be so flat? It just proves actors do not write the scripts, I suppose.

7. Eagle Vs. Shark

Does the fact that this movie is so unfunny mean that Napoleon Dynamite is unfunny too? I know Jon Heder is unfunny. Normally I like it when people dress up like animals (I’m not ashamed to admit I actually enjoyed The Animal, a powerhouse Rob Schneider joint), but I had trouble watching this one all the way through.

6. Frozen River

This is the movie that inspired me to write this list. It won (or was nominated) for some independent spirit awards, Melissa Leo was nominated for best actress… and I don’t see it, I really don’t. The protagonist was not sympathetic (she shot her husband in the foot! She tossed a Pakistani baby out of her car!), which isn’t Melissa Leo’s fault, but the writer/director’s. The dialogue was stilted and there is perhaps the worst gunfight scene in the history of gunfights. If you have a low budget movie, you really need to make sure your characters and story are pitch perfect, and Frozen River missed on a lot of these things.
As an addendum, there are some scenes where Leo was in her underwear, and I think I remember hearing something about how brave it was of a middle-aged woman to showcase her vulnerability like that. Some other critics commented that it was “brave” of Kate Winslet to not shave her armpits in The Reader. Others thought Kathy Bates was brave for going hot tub naked in About Schmidt. Halle Barry was brave for doin’ it with Billy Bob in Monster’s Ball. Enough! You know who was brave? Lori Laughlin’s stunt double in RAD. You know who’s doublebrave? The dude who got chewed out by Christian Bale. I would’ve pooped myself if I had Batman/John Connor/MomBeater yelling at me like that.

5. The Tracey Fragments

I think Ellen Page is awesome, so I was excited about a Canadian indie film with her in it… after five minutes I had a splitting headache—normally solid director Bruce McDonald uses seemingly infinite split and intercut screens—and had to turn it off when McDonald cross cut Ellen Page running through her yard with a stallion running through a field.

4. The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Arguably the best title ever for a movie (or book), I was really looking forward to this film. Daniel Day Lewis, however, made me feel very very unclean. He was awesome in There Will Be Blood, but as a European womanizing doctor, he made me want to throw up a little.

3. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer

This. Movie. Stinks.

2. Serpico

There should be a Serpico drinking game where you have to do a shot every time he switches hats. I bet he wears at least 11 different hats in this movie, maybe 12.

1. The Invisible/Awake

Was this the same movie? I remember seeing the trailer for The Invisible and thinking it looked like a cool idea, so I had some expectations going into it. Arg. I will not get those 180 minutes of my life back that I spent watching Hayden Christenson and Justin Chatwick yell at people who couldn’t hear them. “Step making movies this horrible!! Why can’t you hear me??!! Stop! Just… stop…”


Anonymous said...

You should watch Charlie Kaufman's "Synecdoche, New York" if you really want to waste your time.

-CWP movie jury

Erik said...

The dated AIDS genre extends to theater, too. RENT feels really dated now and its hard to remember that it was controversial and even shocking to some when it came out.